Sandpaper
Have we all seen it? Two people who love each other and one of them sees some flaw/imperfection/rough spot in the other. In order to smooth out this slight bump they apply pressure in the form of displeasure. Oh, the expression of displeasure varies. I have used the silent treatment, grumpiness, sarcasm, cold shoulder, disapproving looks, rants, snide pokes, amusing cracks, and angry words. I have given reasoned lectures on why the failing was born, exists, survives, should be removed, and how to remove it. I have seen it in myself.
Have also you seen the usual responses? Initially there is great confusion because we do not tend to be very clear that our displeasure is directed at improving a blemish. It just feels unloving. And that is confusing from someone who loves us. Then there are failed attempts to comply, denials of a problem, diminishent of the flaw, or deflecting the jabs as the first sort of responses. These are followed by feelings of failure and/or persecution. Then they respond with their own sarcasm, listings of the failings they see, firm statement of their unchanging nature, criticism of the tactics, anger at completely other issues, and now displeasure swirls between each of them and in the relationship. Then either can say they feel unloved and unlovable and it is the others fault because they are using mean methods to force a change, usually an immediate change. In many ways these responses can be seen as returning the attack to the attacker.
Can you see this might be a problem? The attacker thinks they are helping. The recipient of unasked for help thinks sandpaper is being applied to them to smooth out some small bump in their flesh but the raw wound that is being created is ignored as inconsequential. Can you see this?
I have also seen this same dynamic in people’s relationship with God. Wanting us to be perfect, they think God is punitive and will withhold love until we become perfect humans. The withholding of love is seen in how life can have difficult moments, times, and situations. Even the smallest things of life are seen as God throwing a road block in the way to force us to be perfect (or ‘more perfect’ – which is a very funny phrase). Have you seen someone stare at a stoplight and say, “Well, that is God trying to to tell me to slow down.” And we can maybe insert our own examples of people seeing something as cosmic displeasure for some aspect of who they are. But God is not a 2 year old or a terrorist.
Even the biggest stories of the bible speak against this. Moses, King David, and Paul were all flawed people that God seemed to love. And of course there is Jesus who dies for us, not because we were perfect, but because we are not. And wont be. God loves us unconditionally. As in, even with our imperfect/blemished/flawed/rough spotted/ wart covered selfs – we are loved just the way we are. It is in that love that that we may want to change. But the impetus or drive comes internally, not externally because someone is pushing us by withholding their complete love in shows of displeasure. Have you seen the bumper sticker that says, “Be the person your dog thinks you are.”? In being loved there is more power to change, as in grow, than in the hope of a fuller love. Even our dogs love us unconditionally, just the way we are. Why then do we think God will not love unconditionally and we think others will change if we show our displeasure?
Have you seen a woman who has put up with unpleasantness in order to be loved? We call this wife abuse. And she is not loved any more fully. Love as a tool is never love. And withholding love by all the ways we try to compel someone to be better or ‘more perfect’ is like sand paper on our skin or our soul. It may smooth the bump but leave a raw bleeding wound. The wrong tool. And if we think we want the person we love to be different than they are, then I think it has to be said that we do not actually love them. We want to love the ‘next them’, the them we are trying to make. And we become a 2 year old abusive terrorist to force the change. Very un God like.
So, let God love you, unconditionally, just the way you are. And then love others the same way. Put down the sandpaper. Let go of the silent treatment, grumpiness, sarcasm, cold shoulder, disapproving looks, rants, snide pokes, amusing cracks, and angry words. Walk away from reasoned lectures on why the failing was born, exists, survives, should be removed, and how to remove it. Embrace the person with love. Hold them until they do not need to change for you.
And then see what happens.
